Midday and..

I’m in tears.. My heart seems so heavy today..

A Lost Engagement

We were to be married.  Just 3 months away from being husband and wife.  We were to start a family right away.  We had so many plans.  We had so many dreams.  And her smile, and her eyes, her glow, and her touch.. This was the woman that I would spend the rest of my life with.. the rest of eternity with.. I still have hope that it shall be… and even if there is no chance.. I can never get away from the fact that I will always hope, until my last breath.

If ever I knew that she was for me, it was in those first few days.  A soul that I could listen to, and be with.  And everything was just right in the world.

Alas, my dream ended.. It had taken all of my lies to do it.  But I would drive my angel away, I would hide, and use everything to cut her away from my life.  What was I afraid of.  Oh so many things… and thus, it was not anyone else’s fault but mine.  I curse myself for my imperfections, my faults, and my fears.. The most perfect gift that God had given, I managed to tear apart.. An engagement that was meant to be.. it was lost.. and my life, I struggle just to get by.. dark days ahead.. dark life without my sunshine..

For the first time

For the first time in months, I actually opened some of my online accounts.  And I thought I would be ready for it, but I’m not.  The reason I had been avoiding it, is that it just didn’t seem real that I had lost her until now.  I know it’s been months since we haven’t talked.  And she’s still so very mad at me.  Seeing some of her new pictures, she just looks even more beautiful than when I first saw her.  I swear, she’s the most beautiful being that I have ever set my eyes on.  The way I could just look at her in the mornings.  On some mornings, I would just wake up to just look at her sleeping like an angel.  She’s my soulmate.

Anyway, this past week, I’ve been just trying to catch up what she’s been up to.  I don’t really know.  Her family is severely mad at me, and I don’t blame them.  I know she was way out of my league.  But I tried anyway.  And in the end, it was a selfish act that I did.  I almost ruined her life.  I’m just glad that it looks like she’s moving on.  But I’m not really sure.

Oh, my life is so complicated.  I wish I could talk to someone, but there’s no one I can talk to.  It seems like the life I live is a lie.  And no one knows this lie except me.  I’m afraid if anyone knew, then I wouldn’t have anyone else in this world.  Not that it matters, because there’s really only one person that I truly would give a damn of caring.  HER.

For the first time in months, I am trying to reconnect with her.  And it just makes me realize, that I am still at a point in my life where I still cannot be with her.  And it keeps me in the reality, that I will never be with her again.  I will never get to feel the touch of her lips on mine, nor will i ever get to see her angelic face as she sleeps, nor will I ever be able to feel her cheeks next to mine, nor will I ever get to hold her most soft and beautiful hands.  I may never even hear her laugh again, and see her gaze into my eyes again.

This pain that is my life.  It’s hard to just keep moving on.

A Lost Soul

A lost soul I am, for I have just lost my love.  My days are filled with sorrow, and yet I have to act like today and everyday is just fine and dandy.  Well, it’s not.  To know that the woman you love, the woman that your truly love is no longer in your life and it’s all my fault.

This is my journal, my agony, my pain, my sorrow, this is all i have left.   If you know her, you would realize that I have just lost an angel.  The most beautiful being to have walked the earth.  You think I am mad, those who read.  But it’s true, I wish I could let you know that this angel does exist.  Sadly, I have lost her.  I love her.  I love her.

I am a lost soul, and this is my journal.  I am sorry for being down, for being so sad, but as you can see, an angel is gone.  Who would not be in agony, who would not be lost?